Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Bloomberg Announces Water Gun Restrictions

DISCLAIMER: This post is entirely fictitious.

It was a normal summer day in suburban Queens.  Neighbors Timmy Thompson and Georgie Green decided to engage in that great American pastime, the water gun fight. Timmy came armed with a standard air-pressure based water gun, but Georgie came with a NERF Super-Soaker equipped with a Hydro-Pack.  Georgie's equipment gave him a full 100 ounces of water with which to drench Timmy, while poor Timmy had a miserable 5 ounces that required refilling regularly.

During one of these refilling stops, Georgie accidentally hit Timmy in the eye, causing some irritation. Although Timmy insisted he was just fine, his mom made him go to the doctor, where he was required to put Visine Eye Drops in his eye twice a day for a week.

It could have ended there, except for Timmy's mother works in the office of Mayor Michael Bloomberg and the story of Timmy and Georgie's water gun fight. In his ongoing effort to help protect the health of New Yorkers through government, the Mayor proposed new regulations.

"There is no reason that someone would need a water gun that holds 100 ounces of water or even 30 ounces of water! Therefore, my office is presenting a bill to the City Council limiting the capacity of water weapons to 7 ounces and making the sale of high capacity water projectile weapons illegal."

When asked to comment, Roger Simpson of the National Water Gun Association (NWGA) stated,

"The Second Amendment to the United States Constitution specifically protects our Right to Bear Arms. It doesn't specify firearms, melee weapons, hand weapons including blade weapons, or even water weapons. All are protected. Americans of all ages have the right to protect themselves against a water attack with whatever size water container they desire from a 2 ounce water pistol to a garden hose and everything in between."

While neither gave an official comment, both President Obama and New York Governor Andrew Cuomo are said to support Bloomberg's bill.

Georgie was quoted as saying, "Seriously dude, it was a water gun fight. Timmy's fine."

Timmy, in response stated, "Georgie's right. I'm fine. My mom totes overreacted. Also, tell Georgie I demand a rematch."

No water guns were harmed in the writing of this post.

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