Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Biblical Conservatism Bids a Fond Farewell to Jon Huntsman’s Campaign

Hours before this week’s Fox News Presidential debate, former Utah Governor Jon Huntsman ended his campaign and (shock of shocks) endorsed fellow moderate Mitt Romney. So in honor of the departure of my favorite wimpy moderate Republican joke target, here are the highlights of my past teasing of Governor Huntsman with humorous links as placebos for actual analysis since Huntsman was never worth it.

But before you do, please click this video


for the appropriate background music (wait for the preceeding commercial before you start to read):


(After the 9.8.11 MSNBC Debate)

Seriously…I’m a busy man with stuff to do. I’m not wasting my time with Hunstman when I could be defrosting my freezer or scrubbing my cat’s litter box. He’s a waste of time in this campaign. Jon Huntsman was a bad candidate when he was named John McCain, and he was a bad candidate when he was named Bob Dole. We don’t need a moderate wimp.

On the issue of man-caused Global Warming, Huntsman shot himself in the foot, twice, and managed

to leave only one bullet hole. (For those of you from Palm Beach County, FL, that means he shot himself in the foot so thoroughly that he hit the first hole a second time.)

(After the 9.13.11 CNN Tea Party Debate)

Seriously. Huntsman is a joke. He spent tonight quoting Nirvana songs and waxing intellectual as a biased moderate. I’m not even bothering making a joke about how much of a non-issue Huntsman is at this point.

(After the 9.23.11 Fox News Google Debate)

Take me out to the ballgame, take me out to the crowd, buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack, I don’t care if I ever get back! Let me root, root, root for the home team, if they don’t win it’s a shame! For its one, two, three strikes you’re out at the old ballgame! (Huntsman is such a waste of time I decided to sing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” instead of wasting time on him.)

(After the 11.12.11 Washington Post Bloomberg Debate)

I think the kids in those Peter G. Peterson Foundation commercials explaining how economics work would make better candidates than Jon Huntsman. Also, who names their kid Peter Peterson? Moving on.

(After the 11.10.11 CNBC Your Money Your Vote Debate)

I’m kind of glad Huntsman is in these debates. It gives me a chance to use the bathroom or make a sandwich.

(After the 11.14.11 CBS South Carolina Debate)

Rather than wasting time talking about Jon Huntsman and his magenta tie, I’ve decided to provide a link to a video of Abbott and Costello doing their classic routine “Who’s On First.”

(After the 11.23.11 CNN Heritage Foundation Debate)

Well, a pig flew by tonight because I agreed with Huntsman on one statement: We do need term limits for Congress. Then he proceeded to drive me so crazy through the debate that I felt I couldn’t just make a fun joke about Governor Huntsman. I’ve seen pieces of wet one-ply toilet paper with more tensile strength than John Huntsman’s spine. He’s a wimp, and we’ve already got a wimp in the White House.

(After the 12.12.11 ABC Your Money Your Vote Debate)

Huntsman’s absence left me without opportunities to use the bathroom or get myself a beverage. Of course, it did mean there was more real debate happening.

(After the 12.16.11 Fox News Iowa Debate)

Instead of wasting time on Jon Huntsman, I’ve decided to link to a video from one of my favorite sites, “How it Should Have Ended.” So here is How Wizard of Oz Should Have Ended for your viewing pleasure.

(After the 1.19.12 New Hampshire Debates) 

Huntsman didn’t even bother with Iowa. He had one Caucus supporter though at least, which Ron Paul drolly noted on Twitter. He’s thrown all his chips into New Hampshire and I believe he’s headed for a disappointment. He was called by the Drive-By Media a “serious” candidate before he entered, which is Liberalese for “wimpy moderate we can definitely defeat.” I also believe it was sad and incorrect that Huntsman was given as much time as he was in Saturday’s debate.

So again, rather than wasting my time with Jon Huntsman analysis, here’s a favorite stand-up comedy bit of mine, “Noah” by Bill Cosby.

So Jon Huntsman is out of the race. It was inevitable really. Even when he came in 3rd place in New Hampshire, it was still a nonissue. Huntsman never had a shot. This year’s election is about strong conservatism (as proven by the fact that this year’s Establishment Candidate was last election’s Conservative Alternative). So we at Biblical Conservatism wish the Governor a fond farewell. I hope life treats you well, Governor Huntsman. You seem like a decent human being. Thank you for the sandwich making and restroom breaks in the debate. Sincerely. Best of luck in all your future endeavors.


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